This morning, I came across this interesting letter to Carolyn Hax, a columnist with the Washington Post.
Been seeing this same guy going on two years. He says he is a homebody and doesn’t like to go out — but he will come to my home late at night, while never inviting me to his. He never shows his feelings, only in the bed. Should I continue to see him? Not to mention I see him only once a month. I tell him all the time that I care for him, and he never responds.
Confused and Feeling Dumb
Here's Carolyn's answer
You feel that way for an excellent reason. And if you enjoy feeling dumb, then, yes, you should continue to see him.
But if you don’t like that “I’m an idiot” sensation — or its frequent companion sensation, the one of sitting home waiting to be someone’s booty call — then take heart. Everyone does at least one mind-bendingly stupid thing when tempted by the promise of love.
And, too, redemption is readily available. All you have to do is stop falling for the lines your smarter self would find risible, and start tuning out the voice that tells you to seek immediate gratification that leaves you feeling bad.
I think Carolyn spoke too softly. Here's what my answer would've been....
Dear Ms. Confused and Feeling Dumb,
There's the good news and the bad news. The good news is that you're not alone. A lot of women have been and still are in your shoes. The bad news is that you, like the others, have fallen victim to wishful thinking. I hate to be the one to break it to you....THIS DUDE IS EITHER MARRIED, IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP OR JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. The facts you have given paint the picture that you are the quintessential side piece/booty call. First, no matter how much of a homebody a person is, they will at least go to dinner with you once in two years. -_-
Secondly, real homebodies actually don't really like to move around at night, they are where they want to be at least by 7pm. If he was really in a relationship with you, he'd not only visit you late at night; he'd be at your place or invite you over to his for a quiet dinner and/or movie night. Third, he never shows his feelings for you except in bed? That alone, speaks volumes so i'll move on. Fourth, you only see him once a month? I'd understand if this relationship was long distance but since you do not indicate that, it is safe to assume that this dude only comes to visit you when he's bored or (you know what). Lastly, a person who really cares for you will either show it or tell it to you (ideally both). If after two years, he doesn't respond when you tell him you care, time to hit the road.
Your feelings are self-inflicted and you can cure it, all by yourself.
The first step you need to take is to realize your worth. You deserve much better than to be treated this way. Everyone deserves a partner who loves, appreciates and makes time for them. YOU deserve to be someone's #1....Look for a man who will hold your hand while you stroll down the park in broad daylight. Look for a man who is open enough to at least show you where he lays his head at night. Look for a man who is willing to tell his friends (at least) and family that you're his. Look for a man who doesn't mind waking up next to you. Look for a man who, by his actions, makes it crystal clear that he's into you. Look for a man who shows you that his feelings for you are not just grounded in the bedroom. Look for a man who loves you even when your jeans are zipped up...that's the least of what love is and you deserve that, at least. Please stop seeing this guy or entertaining his calls.
Ladies, please don't fall victim to the "he loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it" or "if i keep sleeping with him, he'll realize just how much he cares about me" or "if i hang around, one day, he'll wake up and realize I'm just a pure gem", or "even though we live in the same city, he's just soo busy with work that we see only once every month" line of thinking.
YOU are worth more than that.
YOU are worth more than that.