This blog was created to serve as an inspiration to all who read aspire, to love and to live a life of purpose.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Tales of a 'Delivery Room' Aunty

"Hmm when I have a child, you all better be in the delivery room." Ogo said absent-mindedly while picking her pimple in the mirror.

"Yea right, when you're pregnant, I'll move to far away Kafanchan because you'll whine me to death" I said almost choking on my chuckle.

Oby laughed.

"I will find you all, don't worry" Ogo replied rolling her eyes.

Oby and I looked at each other and shared a "sadly, she's right" laughter.

"Ogo, stop picking!" Oby admonished. Then we changed to subject of discussion to how Ogo needed to stop picking her pimples because it was making it worse.

That was in 2004. None of us were married, so the conversation seemed premature, to say the least.
Me, Ogo and Oby in 2004
Yesterday, 8 years later, I held my sister Ogo as she made an effort to introduce my first nephew into the world.

Incase you missed it, as of two days ago, both my older sisters were pregnant. Today, only one still is.
Oby (right) and Ogo (left) and their husbands at the joint baby shower the family threw in their honor last sunday
Because we had a false labor episode last week, I knew Ogo's baby was coming soon. So when my phone rang at 10.30pm last night, I knew it was time.

Knowing it'll be a long night, off we went. My baby sisters Nazo and Dera, and I. We arrived the hospital about 20 minutes later to find Ogo squirming in pain. She was in labor but her water hadn't broke yet. The vigil started. Five hours later her water broke but the baby hadn't come low enough. More vigil. Then, two hours later, he was ready to make his entrance.

So, I begged her to push. As she pushed, I replayed some of the warnings in my head, "don't watch o, you'd be traumatized and you'd never want to have a child". As I watched, for a moment, I wondered if this is what "they" said will scar me for life. Then, I stopped wondering and refocused on telling Ogo she was doing great. She pushed again. Then I saw a glimpse of his full head of hair.

"He's coming, keep pushing, you're doing great" I said, as I fought back the tears.

Then my mom and Oby three-way called me. I had one hand holding up my cell phone on speaker so Ogo could hear. For about 3 minutes, my mommy encouraged her baby to push out a baby. Meanwhile Oby chimed in repeatedly, "Ogo, we're rooting for you boo. Push!". I could imagine Oby's own baby giving her a "you're next" stomach kick.

*deep breath* *push* *deep breath* *push* "Push love, he's ready to come" *deep breath* *push*

And so it went on for 30 more minutes.

It must have been the 15th big push. At 6.44am. He arrived. Ora Anthony Nwachukwu came out in one swift move.
He's a beauty :-)
It was amazingly surreal. In that moment, I didn't just see my "beautiful, emotional, sometimes whiny but incredibly sweet and caring" sister Ogo, I saw a life maker, a beautiful mother, an accomplisher, a STRONG woman.

Then the tears came. I couldn't contain myself. My sister is a mother. My mommy is a first-time grandmother. I'm an Aunty, so are my sisters. My brother is an uncle.

My daddy would be so proud.
The clan is increasing.

In that moment, my respect for every woman heightened. I saw it all but I wasn't scared. I wasn't scarred. I wasn't traumatized.

I was inspired.

I have discovered nothing more stunning, nothing more emotionally stirring, nothing more intriguing than a woman as she creates life.” –Patrick Stull
Proud Aunty :-)
A woman's body is a powerful thing, God's lifeline; God's channel for multiplying his own; God's own nurturing incubator. I started to think, why then do we women EVER question our self-worth? Why do we ever allow any man berate or disrespect us? (Especially, after you've had his baby?)  Why do children ever disregard their mothers, after they've been through the pain of bringing them into the world?

This post is dedicated to all women out there. Even if you've never had a baby, be content with the lifeline God has created you to be. Realize you are Capable. You are Strong. You are WOMAN, the canal of God's creation.

I've never been prouder to be a woman.

Congrats to my sister Ogo and her husband Ikenna on their bundle of joy.

& Stay tuned for the arrival of my first niece soon soon ;-)
“There is a secret in our culture, And it’s not that childbirth is painful, It’s that women are strong.” ― Laurie Stavoe Harm
Stay Inspired....

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Dear NwaVic, I'm Heartbroken

Dear Nwavic,

I read one of your reader's letters Torn, and it actually struck a nerve. Now I am compelled to write to you. I am actually in the same situation, but I am not torn between two lovers, just need some clarity. The story starts like this. I have loved this man my whole life...To me even with all his flaws (we all have them) no one is better than him...Even when I was with other people, I still remember wishing the man by my side was him. Then I finally got my chance.

I was the happiest person in the world, everything was going well…until the families (both sides) found out. That was when things started to change between family had reservations i.e. he is old enough to be married…when that comment didn't dissuade me, it now gravitated to "he will never accept you for who you are", and when those didn't work the almighty "he is just using you for sex when he is ready he will look for an excuse and dump you, better just find your way out".. Now I want you to understand that it's not as if I have been the exemplary girlfriend (which I will explain in the next paragraph) but I have been a good one.

As I stated above when we first started dating, it was everything I could want and then some.  I knew everyone would have reservations, but I damned all of that. I didn't care what anyone thought, he was my man no matter what. Then slowly he started changing towards me. The long and short of that story was of course other women entered the picture. Eventually, it took its toll on me. I sought comfort elsewhere... It wasn't that I was no longer in love with him, but those ugly comment tat were even being made towards me in regards to our relationship felt like they were actually coming to fruition, and all I was faced with was that I was going to be embarrassed and I wasn't going to let that happen.  I now started going into defense mode for lack of better words. Eventually he found out, demanded I end it with immediate effect. I did just that. I couldn't believe I even risked what I had, for someone I truly wouldn't choose over the love of my life.

There is also another issue. I lied to him about my education. I was meant to graduate this year but because of circumstances I stopped going and now it has been pushed back by a year. I lied and told him I had graduated when I didn't. Needless to say, he was furious when he found out and then told me that he needed a break to think things over. I am heartbroken over the whole situation. I never meant to lie to him. It was really just the fear of losing him, and I felt that if I could just finish up everything would be alright. I knew that he would be angry, but I never thought he would leave me, especially after standing by him through all his indiscretions as well. I thought that when it was my turn he would help me. Looking back, I should've told the truth, it was hardly worth it, but I also feel I deserve another chance to make things right. I prayed for this man, literally, and my prayers were answered.

Please I need your sound advice. I love this man not from my heart, but from my soul, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again.

Heartbroken in Maryland 

Dear Heartbroken in Maryland,

Thanks for writing NwaVic at

What screams out of your letter is a heartbroken girl with the zeal to make something defective work, by yourself, by all means necessary.  Between you and your beloved boyfriend who is your dream guy and who you said repeatedly that you love and adore, there is a pile of serious issues that you need to address.

First, if you have a good relationship with your family and they have a history of having your best interest at heart, you need to investigate their concerns. While no one has the right to tell you whom you should or shouldn’t date, when people who deeply love you express concerns about your life, you should at least pause for a moment to try to see their point of view. If their concern is that he’s old enough to be married, find out why he isn’t married yet. Some people just don’t find “The One” early in life. If their concern is that “he is just using you”, pay attention- do you “feel” used? Then, ask them what signs they see that makes them conclude so.  Sometimes, people who love us see what we can’t see- especially when the “love bug” bites us. Ask them for evidence, evidence and more evidence. If they can adequately back up their claim, then you should evaluate it. If not, then dismiss it. 

Then more importantly, there are the cheating/lying issues. I noticed you said “other women”, meaning he cheated more than once. And your reaction was to cheat back, then lie about your education? You can’t right a wrong with a wrong because that stripped you of any kind of clout. No relationship can stand on mutual deceit. What I now find hard to understand is that he seems to have taken your lying about your education more seriously than your indiscretion. The only justification is that the cheating was an eye-for-an-eye and the lying, well, he hadn’t matched you on that yet. Perhaps.

I recognize that you love him and are heartbroken but maybe this is the time to step back and re-evaluate this relationship. This isn't ONLY about you. Is he ready to take you back? Is he ready to be faithful to you? Remember the relationship broke not only on your account but on his account as well. You can’t make something work with him if he doesn’t want to. As women, sometimes our passion to “fix things” and "not to loose him" blinds us to the reality staring us in the face. You cant “make” him want to be with you. He has to want you. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT HIM, if not more. If he sincerely doesn’t, even if you get back together, he will continue to cheat and you will probably continue to retaliate and you will both live in a vicious cycle. More so, sometimes we feel so lucky to score a man, we forget our worth, that the man is lucky to have us as well. You said "I got my chance"; didn't he get his chance (to be with you) as well? 

Are you ready to be faithful to him? Can you handle it (without revenging) if you marry this man and he cheats on you again? Why are you taking all the blame? Why was it important to you to lie to him about graduating? Realize you shouldn’t be with a person who you’re so scared of loosing, you start to lie about irrelevant things. Whether or not you graduated shouldn’t be the decisive factor in your relationship. We all have flaws but the goal of a healthy relationship is to "be better" for the person we are with and not to deliberately act out our flaws.

Even though this is not what you want to hear, I need you to realize that sometimes, God places people in our lives for a season. Now the big question is whether or not the season with your “love” has ended. The basics to a stable relationship are transparency, communication, honesty, mutual respect, commitment, trust and mutual appreciation. From your letter, it seems your relationship is lacking all the above. My advice to you is to take a step back from “trying to get him back”. Cut communication with him and try to see the relationship from “outside”. Pray about it and give yourself a clear head before you delve back into it, if you do decide to.

More so, you need to forgive yourself and learn to self-love again. Focus on making yourself a better person and building self-worth and self-confidence.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Stay Inspired....

*Email with any further issues, concerns, questions, suggestions for a prompt and neutral response/advice. :-)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear NwaVic, I'm Torn Between Fiancé and Surgeon

In order to understand this "Dear NwaVic" letter, you'd have to have read Husband Gist- 7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband

Hello NwaVic,

I am glad you created this avenue for us your readers to send in requests/issues. Thanks for that. Now off to my issue, I will try and cut this story short because I won't want to bore you with my problems. 

I met this guy I'm dating now, 4 years ago at a party. We both live and work in the U.S. We quickly became friends and close ones at that. We were friends for more than 2 years before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Whilst being just friends, we clashed a lot personality-wise. He sometimes comes across as very rude and disrespectful. Even when I confronted him with that, he blamed it on me being too sensitive. Anyway we started dating coz things weren't bad, I was happy and I fell in love. he is actually my first love. You know the guy described in the "4 types of men in a woman's life"...he is number 1 for me. Things were so smooth for us and we were happy, until recently, we started arguing a lot over the darnest things! Then I find out there's some girl who really likes him and to me I feel he encourages her. Confronted him with that, he says I should give him time to lay her off gently! I mean seriously?? Ok..I am not stupid and I know what my head is telling me, but when someone is your first and only love, u love them with all your heart and it's so hard to breakaway from them. Especially when your lives are so intertwined, family vacations together, a chunk of mutual friends! Even if I wanted a new life, I would have to move countries and cut off over 40 people to be sane! Hence I stuck with him and believe that things get really bad to get better. His family adores me and mine him. Also I am in my late twenties, (28) yea I really should be trying to settle down.

Now we are engaged and planning a wedding, but sometimes I can't help but ask my self if he is the one for me. if this is it for the rest of my life? Am I going to be content with him?

Recently I met someone else while out with my colleagues 5 weeks ago, and that day for some weird reason I didn't wear my ring out that day. He is the NUMBER 3 man in that ur post. (Remove the "known me for years" part). I hit it off with said guy and I find he is a surgeon and came to write an exam the day before in my city and was unwinding. I also find out we attended same school but different graduating years. Chilling with him reminded me of what it meant to be adored and treated like a queen. Let me just say it like this, we have so much in common, especially God and I like him! We have been talking almost everyday for the past 5 weeks, whenever he is not on call and I'm in my apartment alone we skype. I am able to do this because my fiancee doesn't live with me. I haven't told the new guy I'm enaged and he never asked if'm with anyone. But I know he really likes me and wants to start something with me. Lately he is planning a five-day trip to Italy for the both of us later this year. The weekend works well for us, cause we are both free then.

My dilemma is this, do I leave the one I have known for so long that will always have my heart, to go for something I "think" might work out with another man? How am I sure new guy doesn't have traits that will drive me up the wall? At least now I know what my fiancee can do and what he can't. Is this a temptation to take away or spoil what lies ahead for me? I am confused! Love is a very crazy emotion! I feel so guilty looking at my fiancee and knowing I have another man I talk to behind him. I'm torn! 

Thank u.

Dear Torn,

Thank you for writing NwaVic at

First, take a deep breath. The first step to important-decision-making is seeking a decision that gives you peace and you won’t be able to decipher peace if you’re not attentive to your inner self.

For purposes of this post, I will refer to your Fiancé as “Fiancé” and the other guy as “Surgeon”.

The first thing you should do is make a pre-decision- ‘Pre-Decide’ to do what you would have done even if Surgeon guy did not exist. Once you make this pre-decision, you’d see more clearly.
You need to ask yourself these five questions;

1. Will I still have doubts about Fiancé if Surgeon wasn’t available to me?   If so, then you’ll need to rethink the marriage.

2. Despite the arguments, does Fiancé have all the qualities I want in a husband? Is he caring, hardworking, good listener, affectionate, loyal, honest, humble, ready to forsake all others, kind, respectful, and a good communicator? If not, then you should rethink the marriage.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you shouldn’t go into it with doubts or second thoughts. If you do so, you’ll be plagued with “what if” for life.

Being married does not blind you to “other guys”. There WILL be other guys, even 10 years into a marriage that will catch your attention. Like I posted in 7 Keys to a Successful Marriage, marriage is a decision to commit and is not based on emotion. This “decision to commit” is what will enable you resist other ‘Surgeon’s when you’re married. If you can’t “decide to be content” with Fiancé as your husband, then you aren’t ready to get married.

3. Are you marrying Fiancé because you’re 28, because he’s your first love, because of the family familiarity, because it’d be too hard to restart your life or because of your mutual friends? If so, you won’t be happy.  The “thought of starting over” is popularly more painful than starting over itself. If you make a conscious decision to end a relationship, you CAN do it. The fear of pain is worse than the experience itself. Spoken by a true witness.

This past weekend I reconnected with some old high school friends in Atlanta, because one of us got married and we were having a conversation about “breaking up”. One of them said something that stuck with me. She said, “when I’m a risk of being heartbroken, I remind myself that ‘before’ I met this man, I had a good life and I was surviving, therefore, ‘after’ this man, I can have a good life and survive”.

In other words, the only person that should be indispensable in your life is God.

4. Am I attracted to Surgeon because of who he is or because of what he is or represents to me? Do I really like him or just the idea of him? These questions will help you figure out if what you feel for Surgeon is lust or something deeper.

5. What exactly are my instincts telling me? You said you know what your head is telling you. As women, our instincts are powerful and I’ve witnessed several women enter bad marriages because they ignored the instinct. You can’t expect “marriage” to automatically make things any better than they are now. The person you’re with will still be the same person ‘after’ you jump the broom as he was ‘before’ you said “I do”. Pay attention to your instincts. What is it telling you about Fiancé?

A couple of things jump out at me from your email. First, you say when you met Fiancé, he came across as very rude and disrespectful. Is he still that way now? You mentioned when you confronted him about his attitude, he “blamed” you for being too sensitive. Did he take any responsibility for his actions? Fiancé tells you to give him time to lay off a girl who likes him “gently”. That doesn’t make any sense. How much time does he need to say “I’m engaged so its not healthy for us to be friends because of your feelings for me”? 

Having said that, come clean with Surgeon: While I’m an advocate of keeping “options” open, you can’t do that while planning a wedding. In essence, you have “promised to marry” Fiancé and it’s not right to falsely lead Surgeon on without his knowledge of the truth. Just because he hasn’t asked, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to know. For all you know, he may very well be investing emotions into his “friendship” with you.

Then, PRAY about it. If I were you, I'd take out 3-7 days to fast and pray on this. During that time, you'd have to cut off communication with Surgeon, rid yourself of all distraction and focus on God and hearing that 'still small voice'. Ask God for signs and then wait on Him- He'll show you what he wants for you.

In the meantime, it is also not advisable to go on a vacation with Surgeon while engaged to Fiancé. That IS cheating. If you really must explore Surgeon as a potential husband, you’d need to halt wedding plans for now until you have made a decision you can stick with. No matter how bad Fiancé is to you, he deserves to know where the woman he wants to marry stands. You also can’t expect Fiancé to halt communication with the girl who likes him when you have ties to another man.

Lastly, remember no decision is without risk. Whatever decision you make will have hefty consequences. For instance, when you come clean with Surgeon, he may decide to cut everything off and you’d be left with only Fiancé. If you decide to halt the wedding planning to “explore” Surgeon as a possibility, Fiancé may move on. If you decide to keep seeing Surgeon while planning your wedding, if he finds out, I can expect him to be livid or if Fiancé finds out about you talking to Surgeon, he’d be beyond outraged and feel betrayed. You also risk his family, whom you said loves you very much, finding out. Again, this is why you have to make that pre-decision I earlier discussed.

It’s a tough decision to make but regardless, make a decision you can live with its consequences….one that gives you peace. You may also want to read Five Tips for Making Difficult DecisionsGood luck!


Dear Readers, Torn always wants to hear what you think. Comment away...

Stay Inspired....

*Email with any further issues, concerns, questions, suggestions for a prompt and neutral response/advice. :-)

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Dear NwaVic

Aloha dear readers!

Thanks to a reader's suggestion, NwaVic has opened a new means by which readers can email their issues, concerns, questions, suggestions, etc for prompt and neutral responses/advice.

It is

I'm excited to get emails from all my readers.

Thanks again to "Anonymous" for your brilliant suggestion.

Now email away :-)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Carolyn Hax: Sincerely, Unable to Forgive

Once in a while, I read Carolyn Hax's advice column in the Washington Post. And once in a while, I blog about it. If you missed any of her past posts, you can read them here and here.

Here's the one published today.

Dear Carolyn:

Three weeks ago, I received a text from my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (she took my number from his cellphone). She indicated they were having sex during the first two months of my relationship with him. At first he denied it, then said, “It was only twice.”
I knew him for a year before we dated. He knew I had serious trust issues because of past betrayals, yet he did this to me anyway. I feel reasonably certain he would not betray me again. He had told friends that he would like to marry me someday. I love him and I feel sad for him (he is quite despondent), but I just can’t get past this. Part of this is my pride. Ugh, that woman is a beast. You should see her mug shot . . . it makes Nick Nolte’s look cute.
Inability to Forgive
Carolyn's Answer

That beast did you a favor.
Not because she exposed your boyfriend as a liar or cheater, though he certainly seems to have made an earnest try at both, but instead because she got you to the edge of a less black-and-white view of fidelity and trust. Can you take the last steps on your own and enter that realm?
The first thing to consider is that your boyfriend “did this to me.” Without the power to read your boyfriend’s mind, I still feel confident saying he didn’t sleep with his ex with hurting you in mind — or with you in mind at all. A lot of relationships trail off, vs. end cleanly, kind of like addictions. Even the ones that are over over over today often got there after a relapse or two or four yesterday. Of course, people should fully disengage from one person before they tee up the next, but no decision about human beings should be built on “should.”
The next thing to consider is that vilifying the ex is middle school stuff. Her texting you was, too, but she’s beside the point. Besides, your boyfriend loved her once, and unless you like the idea of being the Noltebeast his next girlfriend despises, integrity demands a more charitable disposition toward her. You’re angry at your boyfriend, not the messenger.
Next, pride is an even more useless distraction. What people think of you doesn’t amount to a gob of spit.
Do you trust your boyfriend or not? Do you value your relationship or not? And, since you cite trust issues — can you trust anyone? This is all that matters.
So, if you can look at your relationship and all you know about it and say, “Count me in,” then go to your boyfriend, say this isn’t how you would have scripted it but you’re nonetheless glad he finally told you at least part of the truth. Then ask him for the rest of it, since his initial denial and his at-gunpoint “Errrrrr only twice!” follow-up left a grimy film on your opinion of him. Then see what he does, says, admits or denies. Then see how you like the weather in Gray World.
While Carolyn's answer is right on the money, here's what my answer would've been.
Dear Unable to Forgive,
I'll keep it simple. While you may question the ex-girlfriend's motive for telling you about your boyfriend's alleged indiscretions, there is no smoke without fire. Don't shoot the messenger. Instead, focus on the person who you're really angry at- your boyfriend. 
Never forget, you're boyfriend is the one who hurt and betrayed you. He even admitted it to you. So talk about it with him, then make a decision as to whether this is something you can forgive. In your decision on whether or not to forgive, consider his remorse, whether or not he has a 'tendency' to cheat, whether or not he has self-discipline, his honesty (or lack thereof), and whether or not you can 'truly' let it go. If you forgive, you'll have to decide if you can ever "trust" him again. If you can't forgive AND trust him, your relationship or "rumored future marriage" would never work.

Lastly, calling the ex-girlfriend a beast is waaaayyy besides the point. Focus. 


Ladies, it beats me how every time a man cheats, we focus on the "other woman" and not the main perpetuator, the cheater, your man. Often times, we'd rather fight the "other woman" than the man. While "the other woman" is quite wrong for 'being' with a man who's committed to someone else, she doesn't owe you anything- she's not committed to you-your man is.  Again, the focus should be on the person who owes you loyalty.
Your thoughts?
Stay Inspired...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Oby's Baby Shower ~New Jersey

Happy Friday!!!

On September 23, 2012, a baby shower was thrown in honor of Oby, my older sister who's pregnant with her first child. And yea, my other older sister Ogo is preggers we have double wobblers in the family. Yippie!!!

Here are the pictures from the event held in New Jersey. Enjoy! 

Oby, The celebrated Soon-to-be Mom 

The proud Grandma-to-be on the left

The Nwakanma's. Too cute

My double Wobbler sisters :-)


Oby and Benson- The celebrated Soon-to-be parents

Yours truly 'Kukere'ing lol

Daddy-to-be is excited

Time to go :-)
Yours truly
Thanks to all those who came out to support the family. Have a lovely weekend! :-)

Stay Inspired...

Photos courtesy of Kele Akaniro