Dear NwaVic, I'm Heartbroken

Dear Nwavic,

I read one of your reader's letters Torn, and it actually struck a nerve. Now I am compelled to write to you. I am actually in the same situation, but I am not torn between two lovers, just need some clarity. The story starts like this. I have loved this man my whole life...To me even with all his flaws (we all have them) no one is better than him...Even when I was with other people, I still remember wishing the man by my side was him. Then I finally got my chance.

I was the happiest person in the world, everything was going well…until the families (both sides) found out. That was when things started to change between us...my family had reservations i.e. he is old enough to be married…when that comment didn't dissuade me, it now gravitated to "he will never accept you for who you are", and when those didn't work the almighty "he is just using you for sex when he is ready he will look for an excuse and dump you, better just find your way out".. Now I want you to understand that it's not as if I have been the exemplary girlfriend (which I will explain in the next paragraph) but I have been a good one.

As I stated above when we first started dating, it was everything I could want and then some.  I knew everyone would have reservations, but I damned all of that. I didn't care what anyone thought, he was my man no matter what. Then slowly he started changing towards me. The long and short of that story was of course other women entered the picture. Eventually, it took its toll on me. I sought comfort elsewhere... It wasn't that I was no longer in love with him, but those ugly comment tat were even being made towards me in regards to our relationship felt like they were actually coming to fruition, and all I was faced with was that I was going to be embarrassed and I wasn't going to let that happen.  I now started going into defense mode for lack of better words. Eventually he found out, demanded I end it with immediate effect. I did just that. I couldn't believe I even risked what I had, for someone I truly wouldn't choose over the love of my life.

There is also another issue. I lied to him about my education. I was meant to graduate this year but because of circumstances I stopped going and now it has been pushed back by a year. I lied and told him I had graduated when I didn't. Needless to say, he was furious when he found out and then told me that he needed a break to think things over. I am heartbroken over the whole situation. I never meant to lie to him. It was really just the fear of losing him, and I felt that if I could just finish up everything would be alright. I knew that he would be angry, but I never thought he would leave me, especially after standing by him through all his indiscretions as well. I thought that when it was my turn he would help me. Looking back, I should've told the truth, it was hardly worth it, but I also feel I deserve another chance to make things right. I prayed for this man, literally, and my prayers were answered.

Please I need your sound advice. I love this man not from my heart, but from my soul, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again.

Thanks,

Heartbroken in Maryland 

Dear Heartbroken in Maryland,

Thanks for writing NwaVic at dearnwavic@gmail.com.

What screams out of your letter is a heartbroken girl with the zeal to make something defective work, by yourself, by all means necessary.  Between you and your beloved boyfriend who is your dream guy and who you said repeatedly that you love and adore, there is a pile of serious issues that you need to address.

First, if you have a good relationship with your family and they have a history of having your best interest at heart, you need to investigate their concerns. While no one has the right to tell you whom you should or shouldn’t date, when people who deeply love you express concerns about your life, you should at least pause for a moment to try to see their point of view. If their concern is that he’s old enough to be married, find out why he isn’t married yet. Some people just don’t find “The One” early in life. If their concern is that “he is just using you”, pay attention- do you “feel” used? Then, ask them what signs they see that makes them conclude so.  Sometimes, people who love us see what we can’t see- especially when the “love bug” bites us. Ask them for evidence, evidence and more evidence. If they can adequately back up their claim, then you should evaluate it. If not, then dismiss it. 

Then more importantly, there are the cheating/lying issues. I noticed you said “other women”, meaning he cheated more than once. And your reaction was to cheat back, then lie about your education? You can’t right a wrong with a wrong because that stripped you of any kind of clout. No relationship can stand on mutual deceit. What I now find hard to understand is that he seems to have taken your lying about your education more seriously than your indiscretion. The only justification is that the cheating was an eye-for-an-eye and the lying, well, he hadn’t matched you on that yet. Perhaps.

I recognize that you love him and are heartbroken but maybe this is the time to step back and re-evaluate this relationship. This isn't ONLY about you. Is he ready to take you back? Is he ready to be faithful to you? Remember the relationship broke not only on your account but on his account as well. You can’t make something work with him if he doesn’t want to. As women, sometimes our passion to “fix things” and "not to loose him" blinds us to the reality staring us in the face. You cant “make” him want to be with you. He has to want you. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT HIM, if not more. If he sincerely doesn’t, even if you get back together, he will continue to cheat and you will probably continue to retaliate and you will both live in a vicious cycle. More so, sometimes we feel so lucky to score a man, we forget our worth, that the man is lucky to have us as well. You said "I got my chance"; didn't he get his chance (to be with you) as well? 

Are you ready to be faithful to him? Can you handle it (without revenging) if you marry this man and he cheats on you again? Why are you taking all the blame? Why was it important to you to lie to him about graduating? Realize you shouldn’t be with a person who you’re so scared of loosing, you start to lie about irrelevant things. Whether or not you graduated shouldn’t be the decisive factor in your relationship. We all have flaws but the goal of a healthy relationship is to "be better" for the person we are with and not to deliberately act out our flaws.

Even though this is not what you want to hear, I need you to realize that sometimes, God places people in our lives for a season. Now the big question is whether or not the season with your “love” has ended. The basics to a stable relationship are transparency, communication, honesty, mutual respect, commitment, trust and mutual appreciation. From your letter, it seems your relationship is lacking all the above. My advice to you is to take a step back from “trying to get him back”. Cut communication with him and try to see the relationship from “outside”. Pray about it and give yourself a clear head before you delve back into it, if you do decide to.

More so, you need to forgive yourself and learn to self-love again. Focus on making yourself a better person and building self-worth and self-confidence.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Stay Inspired....

*Email dearnwavic@gmail.com with any further issues, concerns, questions, suggestions for a prompt and neutral response/advice. :-)