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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Dear NwaVic, Is My Cheating Enough for the Boyfriend I Supported for 8 Years to Marry Someone Else?

Dear NwaVic,

I've been having issues with my heart. I can't seem to truly fall in love again since my boyfriend of 8yrs left me.  It is complicated though. I invested my time and especially money into it. Did crazy things for him. I met him when I was 16 and in SS3. He was 20 and in the University. Well, I loved him and I did a lot for him, even paying his fees because I come from a richer family but at some point, it became the norm. I kept on spending and lying to my parents to get money. I even sold my mom's gold to get money so we could go on vacation together. When I get upset with the love, I started cheating because I was choking but I loved him and I knew if I left, life would be miserable for him. I cheated 5 times in 8 years. Then, the last time I did, he said he can't forgive me. After a while, we broke up. He hit it big and got a good job. I pleaded to come back but he refused and said I am not worthy of his love, not minding all we went through. When he had nothing, I was there for him. Now I am torn as I saw his traditional wedding pictures, it dawned on me that he is gone. Please advice on a woman spending for a guy. What's your take on cheating and forgiving? How do I move on? Thanks as I look forward to read from you. 



Dear K,

Thanks for writing NwaVic at I can understand why you're hurt. This is a man you loved and invested a lot in. You were there for him from the beginning and you feel as though now he has made it, he should be yours. Logically, it makes sense. But life isn't about logic. The concept of "investment" is based on risk. When you invest in someone, you're taking a chance, knowing fully well that your investment may not reap benefits. More so, above all this is the fact that in order to guarantee that an investment becomes fruitful, you have to take care of it. By cheating, you did the opposite. While there's no guarantee that if you hadn't cheated, he'd have stayed true to you, the fact that you cheated 5 times is more than enough reason for him to not want to settle down with you. And this is because cheating kills trust and without trust, no relationship (marriage or not) can be healthy or grow. Even when people forgive cheating, it takes eternity to regain trust and that's the biggest challenge. But then, you'd need to ask yourself clarifying questions- why would you want to be in a relationship that was choking you? Is it for the sole reason of "collecting" on your investment? Why did you cheat in the first place? Seeing as though he is now married, finding answers to these questions are solely for your own healing and benefit because while a loved one's actions can "push" you to cheat, the decision to do so is ultimately yours. In order to move on, you'd need to first of all take responsibility for your part in the break-up and accept that there's nothing you can do to undo the past. Once you make peace with that reality, then take calculated steps; confide in someone you can trust whenever you feel down, maintain a distance from him especially on social media, learn from your mistakes and focus on self-improvement. For more detailed tips, here are tips for getting over your break-up. In all this, do keep your head-up. Best of Luck!

Stay Inspired...


Anonymous said...

Can't believe I just read that, there is never an excuse for cheating. If you are unhappy or not fulfilled in your relationship then maybe you shouldn't be in one. So if you are married and your husband has supported you since before you got married and he cheats on you; would you accept his excuse that since he supported you all this time that you should forgive him and stay with him? Accept that you made a mistake and stop making excuses.

Anonymous said...

how did yall meet?

Anonymous said...

Sorry to say but you were just too silly! pay his school fees? steal your mothers gold? cheat 5 times???? Omo you no just try!

Anonymous said...

I am not going to waste time by judging you for cheating because no one is perfect. To put it very simply, you made an investment that didn't pay out. You need to move on because he has. Naturally because he is settling down before you, you feel left out and cheated but you will be fine. In your future endeavours do not let love make you a liar, fraudster and a thief because if we are honest, when you lied to your parents and stole your mother's jewellery to please your boyfriend, those are what you became. If his parents decided to send him to uni then they must have been able to pay his fees but unfortunately he found you vulnerable and crazy in love enough to squander his fees and get you to sustain him even though you were a child in all respect at the time. Also your letter suggests you only wanted to get back with him AFTER he hit it big and not before which like all men he would think you were after his money after having conveniently forgetting that he led you to a life of crime to to satify his vanity but every bad experience we have is a lesson for the future. Next time, please spend responsibly. If he is not your husband or child then he is not your responsibility. If decide to cheat and get caught then don't cheat again and, when you are upset in a relationship consider using your words to COMMUNICATE!
Lastly, if you were that upset to cheat serially in your relationship and felt "choked" in your relationship then you should be saying good riddance and not moaning about milk that was spilt and has long since dried.