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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Ask Amy: Signs Laced in Actions

Ladies, ladies, ladies we have to be more attentive. Men may not be good communicators in language but they are in action. If you don't remember anything else, remember this. The key is in what he does, not what he says or does not say.  Pay attention. 

So I came across this "Dear Amy" letter on the Washington Post a couple of days ago and it enraged me. I'll tell you why, in a bit. First, read the letter and Amy's candid and very accurate response. Then, even though I know she didn't ask me oh, I answer because this letter deserves a place on here decorated with my even more candid two cents :-).

Here you go...

DEAR AMY: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years. We have been able to work through a lot of our issues, and our communication has gotten better with time.
The problem is that he lives a "wild" lifestyle. I'm talking partying, drinking and lots of women. He stays out until the wee hours of the morning and sometimes all night.
Recently I have been very vocal about settling down, committing to one another and starting a family of our own. I have been introduced to family and friends as his girlfriend; I attend family functions regularly (with and without him), and I am close to his mother. I even have his son (from a previous relationship) with me on weekends and school breaks.
The problem is that any time I bring up this topic of commitment, he changes the subject. He never wants to talk about it. We have an eight-year age gap (he's older), and I don't want to continue to waste any more time if I can't have some type of security that we have a future together. What should I do? — Bewildered
DEAR BEWILDERED: What size sneaker do you wear? Let me know and I will personally send you a pair — all the better for you to sprint as fast and as far away from this relationship as you can.
This man is doing you a huge favor, and you don't even realize it. By refusing to discuss commitment, he is telling you — loudly — that he doesn't want one. Because you don't seem able to interpret his obvious actions, please pay attention to his unspoken message.

DEAR BEWILDERED:  Amy has offered to send you a pair of sneakers. As for me, I'd like to send you a pair of heels and a jet, so you can walk/strut away into the jet in style and be jetted away far away from this man.

Let's break it down in "signs" using your own words because your letter is riddled with so many of them, you might as well be writing this reply.

First of all, he lives a "wild" lifestyle..."partying, drinking, and lots of women". You call this a problem, this is bigger than a problem. It's an honest sign! That doesn't sound like someone who's ready to settle down to me. Unless you're ready to be married to a man who'll be partying, drinking and having lots of women, while you're home, say watching reruns of the big bang theory?

Second of all, you've been vocal about settling down. Has he been vocal too? He's introducing you as his girlfriend? Doesn't sound like it to me. 

Third, you are close to his family and you even have his son on weekends and school breaks. Are you close to him? While it is ideal to get to know the family of the person you want to settle down, how does he feel about all of it? Because if it doesn't mean much to him, you are wasting your time and emotions. The person has to be on that journey "with you".  No matter how much you "court' his family, if he is not in it, he would never be. 

Lastly, anytime you bring up commitment, he changes the topic. This IS the biggest sign you have! In fact, this sign is three times the billboards in Las Vegas. 

This guy is on a whole different page. You have flipped to page 100 and he's still on one. More still, he is telling you the truth. It's true what they say; if a person "shows" you their true colors, its best to believe them. He's talking to you, just not in words. Listen.

Please move on. I'm not saying this is easy because you have invested so much. All I'm saying is- focus on your long-term goal of happiness..the less time you spend with this one, the more time you have to find your Mr. Right. And when you find a man who wants to settle down with you, there'll be nooooo question in your mind. For starters, when you find him; 
1. He'd rather be with you than party, drink or be with other women. 
2. He'd be the one asking you about your future plans with him. 
3. He'd be the one asking you around his family and introducing you to his family as the girl he wants to settle with or at least is considering as his wife.
4. Weekends and school breaks won't be just you and his son, it'd be the 3 of you spending time together. 

You deserve all that and more. Again, heels and a jet...coming right up!

Ladies, we have to be more attentive...

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