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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear NwaVic, I'm Torn Between Fiancé and Surgeon

In order to understand this "Dear NwaVic" letter, you'd have to have read Husband Gist- 7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband

Hello NwaVic,

I am glad you created this avenue for us your readers to send in requests/issues. Thanks for that. Now off to my issue, I will try and cut this story short because I won't want to bore you with my problems. 

I met this guy I'm dating now, 4 years ago at a party. We both live and work in the U.S. We quickly became friends and close ones at that. We were friends for more than 2 years before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Whilst being just friends, we clashed a lot personality-wise. He sometimes comes across as very rude and disrespectful. Even when I confronted him with that, he blamed it on me being too sensitive. Anyway we started dating coz things weren't bad, I was happy and I fell in love. he is actually my first love. You know the guy described in the "4 types of men in a woman's life"...he is number 1 for me. Things were so smooth for us and we were happy, until recently, we started arguing a lot over the darnest things! Then I find out there's some girl who really likes him and to me I feel he encourages her. Confronted him with that, he says I should give him time to lay her off gently! I mean seriously?? Ok..I am not stupid and I know what my head is telling me, but when someone is your first and only love, u love them with all your heart and it's so hard to breakaway from them. Especially when your lives are so intertwined, family vacations together, a chunk of mutual friends! Even if I wanted a new life, I would have to move countries and cut off over 40 people to be sane! Hence I stuck with him and believe that things get really bad to get better. His family adores me and mine him. Also I am in my late twenties, (28) yea I really should be trying to settle down.

Now we are engaged and planning a wedding, but sometimes I can't help but ask my self if he is the one for me. if this is it for the rest of my life? Am I going to be content with him?

Recently I met someone else while out with my colleagues 5 weeks ago, and that day for some weird reason I didn't wear my ring out that day. He is the NUMBER 3 man in that ur post. (Remove the "known me for years" part). I hit it off with said guy and I find he is a surgeon and came to write an exam the day before in my city and was unwinding. I also find out we attended same school but different graduating years. Chilling with him reminded me of what it meant to be adored and treated like a queen. Let me just say it like this, we have so much in common, especially God and I like him! We have been talking almost everyday for the past 5 weeks, whenever he is not on call and I'm in my apartment alone we skype. I am able to do this because my fiancee doesn't live with me. I haven't told the new guy I'm enaged and he never asked if'm with anyone. But I know he really likes me and wants to start something with me. Lately he is planning a five-day trip to Italy for the both of us later this year. The weekend works well for us, cause we are both free then.

My dilemma is this, do I leave the one I have known for so long that will always have my heart, to go for something I "think" might work out with another man? How am I sure new guy doesn't have traits that will drive me up the wall? At least now I know what my fiancee can do and what he can't. Is this a temptation to take away or spoil what lies ahead for me? I am confused! Love is a very crazy emotion! I feel so guilty looking at my fiancee and knowing I have another man I talk to behind him. I'm torn! 

Thank u.

Dear Torn,

Thank you for writing NwaVic at

First, take a deep breath. The first step to important-decision-making is seeking a decision that gives you peace and you won’t be able to decipher peace if you’re not attentive to your inner self.

For purposes of this post, I will refer to your Fiancé as “Fiancé” and the other guy as “Surgeon”.

The first thing you should do is make a pre-decision- ‘Pre-Decide’ to do what you would have done even if Surgeon guy did not exist. Once you make this pre-decision, you’d see more clearly.
You need to ask yourself these five questions;

1. Will I still have doubts about Fiancé if Surgeon wasn’t available to me?   If so, then you’ll need to rethink the marriage.

2. Despite the arguments, does Fiancé have all the qualities I want in a husband? Is he caring, hardworking, good listener, affectionate, loyal, honest, humble, ready to forsake all others, kind, respectful, and a good communicator? If not, then you should rethink the marriage.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you shouldn’t go into it with doubts or second thoughts. If you do so, you’ll be plagued with “what if” for life.

Being married does not blind you to “other guys”. There WILL be other guys, even 10 years into a marriage that will catch your attention. Like I posted in 7 Keys to a Successful Marriage, marriage is a decision to commit and is not based on emotion. This “decision to commit” is what will enable you resist other ‘Surgeon’s when you’re married. If you can’t “decide to be content” with Fiancé as your husband, then you aren’t ready to get married.

3. Are you marrying Fiancé because you’re 28, because he’s your first love, because of the family familiarity, because it’d be too hard to restart your life or because of your mutual friends? If so, you won’t be happy.  The “thought of starting over” is popularly more painful than starting over itself. If you make a conscious decision to end a relationship, you CAN do it. The fear of pain is worse than the experience itself. Spoken by a true witness.

This past weekend I reconnected with some old high school friends in Atlanta, because one of us got married and we were having a conversation about “breaking up”. One of them said something that stuck with me. She said, “when I’m a risk of being heartbroken, I remind myself that ‘before’ I met this man, I had a good life and I was surviving, therefore, ‘after’ this man, I can have a good life and survive”.

In other words, the only person that should be indispensable in your life is God.

4. Am I attracted to Surgeon because of who he is or because of what he is or represents to me? Do I really like him or just the idea of him? These questions will help you figure out if what you feel for Surgeon is lust or something deeper.

5. What exactly are my instincts telling me? You said you know what your head is telling you. As women, our instincts are powerful and I’ve witnessed several women enter bad marriages because they ignored the instinct. You can’t expect “marriage” to automatically make things any better than they are now. The person you’re with will still be the same person ‘after’ you jump the broom as he was ‘before’ you said “I do”. Pay attention to your instincts. What is it telling you about Fiancé?

A couple of things jump out at me from your email. First, you say when you met Fiancé, he came across as very rude and disrespectful. Is he still that way now? You mentioned when you confronted him about his attitude, he “blamed” you for being too sensitive. Did he take any responsibility for his actions? Fiancé tells you to give him time to lay off a girl who likes him “gently”. That doesn’t make any sense. How much time does he need to say “I’m engaged so its not healthy for us to be friends because of your feelings for me”? 

Having said that, come clean with Surgeon: While I’m an advocate of keeping “options” open, you can’t do that while planning a wedding. In essence, you have “promised to marry” Fiancé and it’s not right to falsely lead Surgeon on without his knowledge of the truth. Just because he hasn’t asked, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to know. For all you know, he may very well be investing emotions into his “friendship” with you.

Then, PRAY about it. If I were you, I'd take out 3-7 days to fast and pray on this. During that time, you'd have to cut off communication with Surgeon, rid yourself of all distraction and focus on God and hearing that 'still small voice'. Ask God for signs and then wait on Him- He'll show you what he wants for you.

In the meantime, it is also not advisable to go on a vacation with Surgeon while engaged to Fiancé. That IS cheating. If you really must explore Surgeon as a potential husband, you’d need to halt wedding plans for now until you have made a decision you can stick with. No matter how bad Fiancé is to you, he deserves to know where the woman he wants to marry stands. You also can’t expect Fiancé to halt communication with the girl who likes him when you have ties to another man.

Lastly, remember no decision is without risk. Whatever decision you make will have hefty consequences. For instance, when you come clean with Surgeon, he may decide to cut everything off and you’d be left with only Fiancé. If you decide to halt the wedding planning to “explore” Surgeon as a possibility, Fiancé may move on. If you decide to keep seeing Surgeon while planning your wedding, if he finds out, I can expect him to be livid or if Fiancé finds out about you talking to Surgeon, he’d be beyond outraged and feel betrayed. You also risk his family, whom you said loves you very much, finding out. Again, this is why you have to make that pre-decision I earlier discussed.

It’s a tough decision to make but regardless, make a decision you can live with its consequences….one that gives you peace. You may also want to read Five Tips for Making Difficult DecisionsGood luck!


Dear Readers, Torn always wants to hear what you think. Comment away...

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*Email with any further issues, concerns, questions, suggestions for a prompt and neutral response/advice. :-)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Nwavic, you hit the nail on the head. You showed her all aspects that she prob hadn't thought about.

Dear torn, this is truly being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can say that a vacay while planning a wedding is a no-go. Going on vacay with someone else=cheating...there’s no way you'll go there and not do anything with him.....Plus you don’t want that type of karma on your head. If you do go, you're almost as guilty as him with his "friend" that likes this whole letting the friend down easy story is ridiculous. You'd need to stand your ground on that one- no matter what it takes because it'll go from her to someone else...and you'll spend your entire marriage letting people down easy. Who has energy and time for all that? Stand your ground and see how he handles it---that also might be a glimpse into what your marriage with this guy will be like.
You also mentioned that the surgeon guy shares your views on God. Does your fiancé share the same views? If not, that’s also something to think about.
I suggest you pray on this and ask God to show you the right way- you'd be surprised how He answers you. While I think the surgeon is a wonderful distraction for right now, you have to face the issue at hand- the fact that you may be marrying for the wrong reasons (keyword-may).
I think the advice above gave you tools to make a decision.

Best of luck to you!